5 Self-Help Books That Get Very Popular Being Very Wrong

In an ideal cosmo, trained educators and/ or resulting experts in their field would exclusively write self-help volumes. Regrettably, in our cosmo, self-help volumes are written by sad sacks of shit for much sadder sacks of shit who buy them as last-minute gifts for the world’s saddest sacks of shit. Let’s discuss a few of them!

5

Kevin Trudeau’s Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You To Know About Is Borderline-Criminal Insanity

Kevin Trudeau won’t let The Man keep him down. Despite spending two years in a federal prison for impersonating a physician in order to commit credit-card fraud, becoming the only person ever banned by the Federal Trade Commission from selling products on television, and getting kicked out of multiple states for running a pyramid strategy, Trudeau is always be permitted to bounce back. Of course, as of press day, he is back in jail serving another ten years. But surely he’ll rebound soon! Perhaps in author form.

See, Kevin decided that a few years of impersonating a physician was basically the same as decades of medical training, so he wrote a medical advice book called Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You To Know About . It’s about secret magical remedies squelched by the medical industry, those greedy bastards. But while pharmaceutical companies might do questionable things for fund, Kevin certainly does questionable things for money.

For only $ 10 per month( or a generous $ 500 lifetime membership ), you can are in favour of Kevin’s website and get some hot, hot tips on beating cancer. Luckily, we’ve managed to smuggled some of these carefully guarded tips through his impenetrable paywall. For instance, here’s how you can prevent scalp cancer … by avoiding sunscreen 😛 TAGEND

kaboompics/ Pixabay
“Sun block, which is overrated, is a loser. The sun is unfairly assaulted by the fake news! Sad! ”

You might be thinking, “Duh. Go outside without sunblock to prevent scalp cancer. A infant knows that. What about my full-blown AIDS? ” You’re in luck, AIDS victim, because that shit doesn’t even exist.

utah7 78/ Pixabay
“AIDS was invented by the Chinese to attain sex less appealing. THIS IS MCCARTHYISM! ”

qimono/ Pixabay
“Drugs are sad losers devised by the Chinese to give AIDS to the sun! BAD( OR SICK )!!! ”

You’re starting to get the idea. This is a man who overheard two separate dialogues — one about naturopathic medicine, and one about government cover-ups — then mashed them together in his dessert brain, and now believes everyone is lying to everybody, except for a few very concrete, very crazy imbeciles who share his views. Clearly, merely a lunatic or a legally elected United States president would think this way, so readers saw through Trudeau’s absurd lies and merely bought his volumes hundreds of thousands of times.

5

The 48 Laws Of Power Is A Field Guide For Assholes

Who comes to mind when “youre thinking about” powerful historical figures? Genghis Khan? Joseph Stalin? Conan the Barbarian? Conan the Destroyer? The awkward, pasty author of The 48 Laws Of Power ?

That’s Robert Greene, author of The 48 Laws Of Power , a book guaranteed to turn you from an aspiring douchebag into a full-blown men’s rights blogger. It’s an extensive practical guide on how to win tiny victories in a social game that merely you will be playing. Suppose of it like masturbation, merely it’s less sexual, more lonely, and you can only do it in public( where it still constructs everyone uncomfortable .)

It all began when Greene observed that today’s powerful elite had some traits in common with history’s biggest baldest ass. Perhaps. If you’re stupid.

For instance, Vlad the Impaler would exert predominance over contenders by going to shake their hand and then yanking on their limb while holding onto them for route too long. We obviously stimulated that up, because that would be a fucking ridiculous, wildly insecure “power” move that no functional human being would ever try. But it is exactly the type of thing Robert Greene made up in his book The 48 Laws Of Power .

Based on little to no research, Greene wrote down the “laws” all historical tough guys must have lived by. It instantly became the go-to handbook for overbearing fucks. It’s beloved by bullies and aspiring rapists, but it’s especially popular in the rap community. 50 Cent and Busta Rhymes both love it, and Mr. Cent even co-authored a book with Greene called The 50 th Law . It serves the double purpose of being a 50 Cent biography, as well as a dictionary of “street terms” for hustlers. Because nothing is more street than looking up how to properly call person a bitch in the existing perfect tense.

The book is also big with prisoners, likely because of the book’s festivity of amorality. The statutes are so ruthlessly amoral, in fact, that Greene himself doesn’t even follow them. But he’s fine with helping other people act like evil dictators for $13.99 plus tax.

And even aside from the cold spite of indicating readers gain power by “posing as a friend, run[ ing] as a spy, ” half the laws seem to contradict each other. For example, Greene suggests that you “Make Your Accomplishments Seem Effortless( Law 30) “, but also “Never Appear Too Perfect( Law 46 ). ” He tells you, “In Victory, Learn When To Stop( Law 47 ), ” but at the same day, “Crush Your Enemy Totally( Law 15 ). ” On its worst day, the book is an idiot’s notion of how to cheat society, and on its best day it’s a listing of excuses you can try to use to live with yourself, on the off opportunity you’re self-aware enough to realize you’re a total shithead.

3

The 4-Hour Workweek : Exploit Others, Be Born Well-Off! That’s All You Got To Do !

Do you want to get paid for sitting around doing nothing, but dislike the hassle of staging workplace forklift collisions? Then The 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss is for you!

Ferriss went from being an overworked athletics nutrition salesman to a successful author, writing for only the most respectable and upstanding websites. Step one to this plan is writing a book … and hoping no one notices it’s stupid until after they buy it. But Ferriss also devotes other valuable tips, like how you should outsource tasks to cheap foreigners. It’s a complicated system, wherein if anyone hires you to do something, you keep the majority of members of the money and hire less American people to do it.

A lot of the book is spent debunking folksy wisdom with different folksy wisdom. For instance, Ferriss writes “People are fond of using the ‘It’s not what you know, it’s who you know’ adage as an excuse for inactivity, as if all successful people are born with powerful friends. Nonsense.” Ferriss does not tolerate vague proverbs from people who say things that are only sometimes right, devoted certain situations! In fact, the ones who utilize adages as an excuse for inactivity absolutely molest turtles. If we’re wrong, then defend yourself, people who utilize adages as an excuse for inactivity!

The main problem with the book is the author didn’t seem to arrive at any of this folksy wisdom through industriousness or success. Remember two paragraph ago, when we mentioned the athletics nutrition company he worked for? They sold a thing called BrainQuicken, a hilariously useless snake-oil product that did nothing except separate the gullible from their fund. And recollect last paragraph when Ferriss talked about powerful friends, and how they’re nonsense? Well, Ferriss comes from a wealthy family and went to Princeton. So maybe he’s right that you don’t need to know anyone to determine success, but he made his fortune by being born into fund and selling nothing to the stupid.

After a few years of selling placebos to shitheads, Ferriss took a trip-up to Europe. It was there, on his three-week vacation, that he decided he had learned enough about the struggle for success to write a book about it. It began with a brilliant situate of rules. The regulations included insights like “cut back on email” and “don’t read newspapers and magazines.” Basically, they were just a listing of things Ferriss didn’t like doing, and regulations you could only really follow if only we the boss anyway. Obviously, if you’re build a business, dismissing your email is strange advice some of the time, and terrible advice the majority of members of the time. Which should be the tagline for this moronic book.

But presuming your rich parents helped you get your snake-oil startup off the ground, this is all fine advice, right? Maybe, but he wouldn’t know. Ferriss doesn’t even come close to working only four hours a week. He is always blogging and self-promoting, and since he sold his awful BrainQuicken company, all his new income is made directly from this desperate self-promotion. What he’s really saying is that you can work only four hours a week, but you need to spend the rest of your week doing things to make money. So good luck, future millionaires!

2

The Regulations: Time-Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right Is Largely About Preserving The Male Ego

The year 1995 brought us the O.J. Simpson murder case, the Unabomber, and the saddest guidebook that will ever be written: The Regulations: Time-Tested Secrets For Capturing The Heart Of Mr. Right . Nearly two million lonely ladies bought the book, but some of those sales must have come from panicked humen wondering which of their mysterious secrets had been revealed to women.

The book( and its countless sequels) all revolved around what girls should do to coddle the fragile male ego. It’s not bad advice to “keep your date’s insecurities in mind” or whatever, but The Rules seems to think humen will break down and cry at the slightest difference from gender roles. It devotes tips like “you must never offer to pay, ” and “remain silently supportive when he can’t recollect where he parked.” Severely, here’s an actual sample from the book 😛 TAGEND

There’s a lot of advice like this — to shut up and smile while your date is an idiot, and to build your life and personality around his thin scalp. It may also help the relationship if you call when you see his penis, each time fleeing from it like a panicked infant session Godzilla.

“It! Was! So! Big! ” you should tell paramedics, through panicked breaths, before ultimately fainting from “over-stimulated genitalia.”

The book doesn’t simply dedicate great dating advice. It also devotes great sex advice … in that you shouldn’t talk about it. And you KNOW the book’s two female writers are experts on humen, since they are tell you how much humen dislike horny girls. It was one of the best-kept male secrets until this was published 😛 TAGEND

Of course, the sure-fire route to tell if a man is into you or not is by the gift he gets you for your birthday. Did he get you jewelry? Then congratulations. He wants you to quietly smile while he searches for his vehicle for the rest of your lives. Did he get you something practical, like a pen or a book? Sorry, that’s code for how he has no romantic interest in you. Or not. There are billions of men and the authors of this book haven’t quite fucked all of them. So, like all dating advice volumes, this one is uncanny in its accuracy … right up until it altogether isn’t.

1

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man : Relationship Advice From A Twice-Divorced, Sexist Cheater

Steve Harvey has been a rich man and also a poor man. He has been homeless and he has also asked contestants to name the most popular terms for “fart” on Family Feud . He has been an unapologetic, sexist asshole, and also felt qualified to write a book telling girls how to behave in relationships.

The book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man is an absurdly misogynistic collecting of advice for ladies from a guy whose main source of female info is hearing Cedric the Entertainer describe booty smells.

And yet somehow it has sold over two million copies, reached# 1 on The New York Times Non-Fiction Best-Seller List, and was stimulated into a major motion picture featuring Turtle from Entourage .

All of this from a man currently in his third wedding, who has been publicly accused of serial infidelity. When Steve Harvey kisses his wife hello, six pounds of other women’s pubic hair falls out of his moustache. For his wife’s birthday, he dedicated her three kinds of hepatitis and both herpes.

Steve’s book, as you might expect, treats girls like they’re a pile of sexual currency. You see, all relationships are basically transactional, and women should date based on their own value. When Steve Harvey says “think like a man, ” he mostly means “think like a man buying pussy from an bodyguard service.” Women need to realize that sex — or, as he and Fred Durst, and merely he and Fred Durst call it, “the cookie ” — is a thing humen need. Well, we’ll let him explain how humen guess 😛 TAGEND

They are powerful words from a brilliant mind, and like all great metaphors, it can be stretched in every direction. Does it entail Steve Harvey will sleep with different races of women? Yeah, sure. And does it entail he eats white girls? Yes, likely. And does it mean that when the very stupid are paid to listing what kinds of cookies they want to fuck, our world is so forsaken it no longer matters who lives or dies? Yes, of course: We are now living in a perpetual madness where meaning is forgotten.

Steve Harvey feels very, very strongly that a woman should be paid, as if carrying a vagina was highly skilled labor. He says, “KNOW THIS: It is your right to expect that a man will pay for your dinner, your movie ticket, your club entry fee, or whatever else he has to pay for in exchange for your time.” It’s a dating tip that’s both a little bit true, and a little bit like turning sex into a business transaction. He’s not exactly telling you to sell your birth canal’s entryway, he’s simply pointing out there is a market value for it, and with some classic money-laundering tricks, you altogether could .

Harvey also has a segment on how humen have a protective instinct towards girls. In his lawsuit, that means that when his wife is , he hires a security guard to with her, because he can’t swim.

“I have a security guy who can swimming, ” he says. “So he puts on the snorkeling gear and when she goes down, I tell him, ‘You swim over and simply keep an eye on my wife.'”

It’s … seem , not all of the book is insane advice on how girls should treat their vaginas like relationship currency. Some of it is just insane in general.

Steve Harvey is a flailing dumbass of a comedy novelist. Whether or not he’s funny on stage may be debatable, but without his physical timing and practiced expressions, his little musings barely qualify as observational humor. He tells girls, “You’re an researcher — can’t nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y’all put the police to dishonor, attain the little investigative tricks they depict on CSI and Law& Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street . “

With a hilariously huge purple suit and the right bug-eyed expression, that might get a giggle from a drunk crowd. But written down, it sounds like a teenage boy learning to speak English from TV.

He delivers a lot of his thoughts via these pointless analogies. Steve constructs elaborate parallels between sex and other activities that merely manage to lower the reader’s understanding of each. For instance, “A man fishes for two reasons: He’s either athletic fishing or fishing to eat, which means he’s either going to try to catch the biggest fish he can, take a picture of it, admires it with his buddies and fling it back to sea, or he’s going to take that fish on home, scale it, fillet it, toss it in some cornmeal, fry it up, and put it on his plate. This, I guess, is a great analogy for how humen seek out women.”

So wait, is that to help anglers understand fucking, or sex junkies understand fish? -Aare we supposed to be tossing women in cornmeal? We haven’t been doing that .

Steve Harvey is more careless with his words than he is with the emotional needs of his string of cheated-on wives. He actually blames that cheating on the women themselves. “Men can cheat because there are so many girls willing to give themselves to a man who doesn’t belong to them.”

So, who should girls give themselves to? The answer may surprise you: It’s four men.

We’ll let Steve explain: “I’ve said over and over again jokinglies that the only route a woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different humen — an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a lesbian guy. Now the four of them blended? They got you covered.”

Mandingo! Part man, part dingo. We assume that’s what that means. We’re too frightened to seem it up.

Jordan Breeding has a blog, a band, and reads self-help volumes about how to become a radioactive spider. It hasn’t worked yet. Nathan Kamal lives in Oregon and writes there. He co-founded Asymmetry Fiction for all your fiction needs . Also check out 7 Insane Dick Moves Committed By Famous Self-Help Gurus and 4 Unintentionally Depressing Self-Help Books on Happiness . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out The One Self-Help Group We’d Actually Join, and other videos you won’t see on the site ! Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere .

Gear up for a very important mission with The Protector Of The Galaxy with this adorable Groot tee. Or show off your quiet intensity in this nifty Drax shirt. Hurry, the universe NEEDS you .

Read more: www.cracked.com