Are You The One? Recap: What is Winning and How Do We Do It?

Were back the coming week in Kona, where the cast mates have taken the short bus back to their island home to celebrate their victory of get 3 matches. Former-Fat Boy-Alec is like we got three matches in three weeks, thats impressive. Clearly youve never done something genuinely impressive in your life.

They go home and bitch about the fake couples of the house, and Britni is like I wanna take an alcohol bottle and beat someone on the head with it. I guess in Bum-Fuck-Nowhere in the South where Britt is from thats an acceptable thing, but here in established and civil America thats just legit assault.

Alec is like I actually really like Amanda and tells Magic Mike that he is going to hit on her. Mikes like,. And Alec only really likes Amanda because she is strong, which is a funny route of telling trashy. Either route, Amanda is too hot and too outspoken for Alec and he likely only likes her because she reminds him of the girls who turned him down in high school. Some retaliation of the nerds shit up in here. Lets be honest, girls with asses like Amandas do not talk to dudes with faces like Alecs.

Kayla is like Im old school Italian, we dont just hook up with a bunch of people. Oh Im sure your fucking grandparents are very proud of you being on an MTV dating show. In occurrence you havent noticed, being old school Italian doesnt mean jack shit to MTV. We all assured Jersey Shore.

Kayla : Im old school Italian so we dont kiss multiple guys in a week. We just sleep with one dude we barely know consistently and blame it on the connection we share. Mamma Mia.

Chelsey, the aspiring psychologist, is having a breakdown over ensure Connor and Kayla continue to hook up. They get into an argument over this dude who seriously looks like an overgrown human child, and Chelsey starts weeping. If this bitch gets her doctorate degree, it will further prove that our education system is failing us.

Kayla: me, living in the sorority

Chuck and Britni are aggressively wrestling, and they look like the poster couple for Nazi youth. Britnis voice could honestly be used as a torture device in this play opposed that they have. Chucks says his heart lies with Hannah but Britnis tits in his face are building it difficult. Also, Britni is the current Kona chapter president of the itty-bitty-titty committee. Where did you get your bikini Brit? Limited Too?

Kiki is disgusted by this whole fighting and its first time I agree with Kiki. Lets cherish this moment while it lasts.

THE GAME

Ryan Devlin, the guy who looks like he should be a midget but shockingly isnt, is back to explain the game. In the game, they have to hold on to a hotdog on each end with their mouths, while trying to get through a labyrinth with their partner. All these situations are so realistic. Like ugh, I cant tell you how many times I have a fucking wiener in my mouth while trying to play puzzles. Its constant.

I cant tell if Britni has a southern accent or a lisp, but either way its nasty. Shes like and its like. Hmmm well you are able to cut a fucking piece of string with scissors so that metaphor is truly lackluster. Chuck and Brittni pair up and Chuck takes this challenge really seriously.

Chuck : If I can overcome a wiener labyrinth with her, marriage is the next step.

The winners end up being Zak/ Cheyenne and Britni/ Chuck. Hannah is like Dont you forget it, Hanz.

When they go home Stacey is still trying to fuck Alec, even though hes not into it at all. The best line of the night awarding is brought to you in part by Stacey who asks Alec if hes gay. Honestly its a fair question.

Sure, Stacey is kind of a stage 5 clinger, but Alecs penis has literally shriveled up and started collapsing on itself at this point. Being a sensitive guy is cute, but at this point Alec might as well be starring in a tampon commercial, I entail Jesus Christ.

They all decide to get drunk and dance in their living room for some reason. Hunter is like this dance is going to lead to all ten matches and its like, chill out Larry the Cable Guy, its just a fucking dance.

Speaking of chilling out, Rashida is coming in route too hot on Devins drunk ass. She genuinely supposes she and Devin have a connection and its like, why would you even want a connection with Devin? I could think of a zillion things I would rather do than have a connection with Devin. Chopping off my left arm and then subsequently punching myself in the face with it, is one of them.

Mike starts grinding on Stacey, who maybe he got confused for Amanda idk all these bitches seem the same, and Freckles/ Amanda sees and gets mad. Hes like babe I wasnt even into it which is basically like telling babe I only set the tip-off in so it doesnt counting. There is trouble in GTL paradise and then Mike is like Im so done with this bitch, which is code for Amanda gratify me in the boom-boom room in ten.

Amanda and Alec are talking and Alec looks like he is holding back tears the whole hour. Hes just so excited to talk to an actual hot human being. Alec is going to star in the next Mike Jones video. Back then hoes didnt want me , now Im hot, hoes all on me.

However, Amanda wants a guy who can basically tell her to shut the fuck up and Alec is too big of a bitch to do that. Im gonna bet thats likely not love right there.

THE DATE

They are going to see manta rays and Cheyenne is like tf is a manta ray? Cheyenne, give me your fucking address. I have Amazon Prime, I can ship you a book in like 2 days daughter, I got you. #learningisfun!

Zak/ bae is finally get airtime and ensure Hawaii, which is like the whole objective of this prove, right? Whereas Cheyenne is acting like “they il be” riding bareback on a giant shark instead of snorkeling 80 feet above some neutered stinging rays.

Chuck keeps calling Britni his mermaid because she likes water. Then he proceeds to call himself a mermaid because he too, enjoys water. Thats like two people who like flying talking about it and being like WE ARE BIRDS. No. Just fucking stop with this mermaid bullshit.

Chuck acts like he is Ace Ventura with this shit. He is one with the goddamn Ocean, that Chuck. However, we all know that water is the very essence of beauty and beauty is the very essence of life.

Chucks parents : Chuck, its time to get a real chore and stop trying to be a mermaid on national television.
Chuck : ITS MERMAN, POP! MERMAN!

Zak and Cheyenne are flirting and Zak is like, yo we could be a match because we both have senses of humor and are actually normal, and Cheyenne is like, tru. As thrilled as I am for Bae and Cheyenne, Im still holding hope for Zak and Hannah because come on, think of the beautiful babies.

Meanwhile, Chuck is hanging out with Britni, aggressively flirting while she cackles off into the distance like a hyena on cracking. If Chuck squints his right eye, complete closes his left eye and takes like 10 shootings beforehand, Britni moderately looks like Hannah. Therefore, shell have to do. They start making out while whispering names of marine life in each other’s ear to keep things hot and heavy. Nothing gives Chuck a bigger boner than bottlenose dolphins.

TRUTH BOOTH

When Chuck gets home, Hannah violates into the bathroom and starts making out with him. Bold move Cotton, lets see how it works out for her.

Chuck tells Brittni, because hes a piece of shit obvi and Brittni plays it off like shes cool with it, but then immediately leaves the conversation to google how to inter a body.

Before the truth booth everyone is talking and Nelson is like, lol Cheyenne and Zak arent a match. And its like, heres to hoping because Zak is still bae and idk if Im emotionally ready for him to get a match. However Zak is route better for Cheyenne than Nelson, who is a less hot version of Coach from New Girl.

Ryan Dev stirs the pot and asks Britt/ Chuck about the date. Chuck is like, lol I believe Im in love. Whereas Britni takes the ghetto road and calls out Hannah, dubbing her the motherfucking definition of folly. Britni, this is Are You The One , not Rock Of Love. Your trashiness is so 2008.

Britni : Everyone supposes Im a southern belle and Im not riling as fucking but they are wrong.

Lucky for us, the whole cast is just as be stupid as Chuck in Brittni because consistency is key on this prove. Everyone is like Chuck and Britni should be voted in because they both like water. Again thats like telling, they should be voted in because they like food or some other generic shit.

Chuck and Brittni go to the truth booth, acting like they are in love after a fucking date, and DONT GET A FUCKING MATCH. Hannah is totes loving it btw. You murder girl.

Chucks like well fuck me right? Thats all the blonde girls in the house, guess its time to take one for the team and start talking to Rashida.

Zak: They picked her and Chuck because they both like True, but actually they genuinely only went snorkeling. Scuba takes a legit license and certification and some actual common sense, which Im not sure Brit has. Sorry bae, just spitting facts here.

Hannah is upset because Chuck didnt defend her when Brittni called her a prostitute and she starts weeping. Hannah, if youre going to let one stupid prick ruin your opportunity at detecting love, then youre not the girl I thought you were.

Oh also, its worth mentioning that Rashida still wants Devin and is upset that hes with Kiki. Its like the most irrelevant but continuous plotline of this whole shitty season.

THE MATCH CEREMONY

Its the boys’ turn to picking this time and Devin is wearing pukka shells again because apparently he loves being celibate. Britni is really nervous because these guys arent the smartest. Oh, hello Pot. Meet Kettle.

Alec, whose new haircut attains him look like a panini, runs first. He picks Amanda and hes like I think we could be great together and Amandas like mmmm no.

Tyler picks Melanie , point 1 for normalcy.

Bae / Zak picks Cheyenne , even though Britni gives him weird creepy eyes. Nelson is upset that Zak picked Cheyenne and also that they arent casting him in White Chicks 2. Whatever Nelson, get the fucking over it.

Chuck picks Kiki , and Kiki is like, yeah hes great but. WE GET IT, KIKI YOU STILL LIKE DEVIN. WE GET IT.

Devin talks straight out of his asshole and is like I think everyone is playing with their hearts and proceeds to pick Hannah , who Ive literally never seen him speak to.

Rashida starts crying, beating out Alec as the biggest pussy of the house. She doesnt feel good and goes home to weep in her cover-ups because Devin didnt pick her. This is some teenage girl shit happening right now. I can just picture Rashida laying in bed telling Are you there God? Its me Rashida.

Magic Mike picks Kayla , even though Kayla still likes Connor.

Connor picks Chelsey and then drama ensues. Chelsey is yelling at Kayla, Kayla is yelling at Connor, etc. Okay we know Kayla is cray, but where the fucking does Chelsey believe she is going to get a psych degree from? Heald College? University of Phoenix? Severely, youre just as cray.

Nelson picks Britni , which attains no sense whatsoever.

Hunter is like, ugh fine, I guess Ill pick Rashida. Rashida is too busy hurling her own pity party to be there though.

Austin picks Stacey . Is Austin the invisible human? Where art thou Austin?

Every time a beam runs, Ryan Devlin gives a dramatic hand gesture. The matchups go wild because they havent get a blackout, meaning they arent COMPLETE fuck-ups.

They end up get 2 MATCHES on the 4th match up. WHY IS THIS SHIT SO HARD FOR YOU?

Hunter : My great grandpop Billy-Bob told me love is a process, and I have to believe it will work. div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBodyshowing: none ;

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