Welcome back, Bachelor fam! Before I dive into this week’s recap, just know that I read specific comments from last week and I will be addressing them. For those of you who insinuated that perhaps I wrote the last recap late night and/ or drunk, I would just like to say that in my defense, the depict does objective at 10 pm so when else would I write the recap, and I absolutely was drunk. There’s just something about watching Colton and his sweaty hands for 120 minutes every Monday evening that induces me want to take a bottle rose to the face. I’m not apologizing for that. Now, moving on to the recap.
If you’ll recall, when last we left off Onyeka and Nicole were in the middle of World War III, despite the fact that their entire reason for being in each other’s lives was sitting right next to them. Colton’s expression throughout that fighting was the same appear my dad used to wear when he was trying to reason with me and my sister during a fight over who stole whose Delia’s top and had the audacity to wear it on school painting day( she did ). Colton stormed off in a fit of fury( not unlike my daddy) to run cry on a sand dune about how some of the women–GASP–might actually be there for notoriety and not love.
Which brings us to this week’s episode: I love that Onyeka is not in the least bit bothered that Colton is pissed. In fact, she takes the fight one step further by bringing it to the rest of the girls’ attention. She’s like “raise your hand if you ever been personally was well received by me? Create YOUR GODDAMN HAND.”
Yeah, that’s not scaring at all. I definitely didn’t simply wet myself a little.
The Rose Ceremony
So I guess that brings us to the rose rite, though I thought we left off on the working group date? I’m so confused. Did we really leave off during a rose rite last week? Am I incorrect? Am I hallucinating? Do I care?
Colton starts the ceremony off by declaring that tonight has been hard on him because he was not the center of attention for five f* cking minutes. Honestly, I understand his plight. My birthday was literally three weeks ago and people are acting like it’s okay to not shower me with constant praise and affection? Like, my astro sign is still in orbit. Don’t be f* cking rude.
Final Rose Count : Onyeka and Nicole both get sent home. In other news, the sky is blue.
Did we really suppose anyone else was get sent home? As Demi puts it: “they dug their own graves.” I simply love that Onyeka could care less about being eliminated. She’s like “rejection doesn’t feel great but it feels better knowing I will utterly be on Paradise ! ” Yes , nothing dulls the pain of get dumped on national television like tequila shots and producer-manipulated love triangles.
The One-On-One Date
Hannah G gets the first one-on-one date this week, and I was wondering when Colton was going to remember she existed. She got the first impression rose night one, but since then we haven’t seen much of her. You know, apart from Colton using their “one-on-one time” at rose ceremonies to find the nearest bed, couch, or pool chair on which to aggressively make out with her.
We’re only a few minutes into their date and I already have a feeling it’s going to be a snoozefest. Hannah G may be beautiful, but she has the personality of sugar-free gum.
COLTON : What do I love about Hannah G? She has blue eyes and she smiles.
YOU’RE LITERALLY DESCRIBING HALF THE GIRLS ON THIS SHOW AND MY MOM’S LABRADOR RETRIEVER. What is your point!
Colton holds talking about how “insane” their connect is. Cut to a montage of Colton and Hannah G dry humping on every surface in that spa.
You guys, Colton is not mature enough for a real relationship, let alone marriage. He is such a horn puppy! Every girl he likes, he likes because they let him grind on them to completion. Severely. Has Hannah said one thing this entire date other than “is this your gum because I merely find it in the back of my throat? ” And this is an actual competitor to be his future wife ??
Moving on to the cocktail section of the evening. I guess Hannah G is feeling insecure about the fact that their relationship is about as deep as mine with that guy that texts me” u up” twice a year because she abruptly observes a sob story to talk about. She says that she’s a child of divorce and it’s like, what’s your point? Look, I’m not trying to say that her experience wasn’t traumatic, but literally half the population has divorced mothers. That doesn’t make you original, it simply stimulates you average.
Hannah G gets the date rose and secures herself a spot in Colton’s heart for at least another week. I guess that hand job on the massage table was worth it.
The Group Date
The group date is up next, and multiple females are upset that they’re on yet another group date. Sydney, Demi, and Katie were all hoping for the coveted one-on-one date, but it was instead to come forward with Kirpa, aka the girl with the Band-Aid on her face. Candidly, the Band-Aid is suspicious. I would not be surprised if she hurt herself on Bachelor property, would be in danger of sue, and then leveraged her way into a one-on-one date. That feels like the only reasonable explanation for this randomness.
Ugh. I detest when there’s a date card description with the words “fighting” and “strong” and the women show up in their sluttiest athleisure. Like, I didn’t know Forever2 1 endorsed “strong women” as well as “women hoping their fake ID will work at penny draft night, ” but I digress.
For the group date, Colton wants the women to beat the sh* t out of each other. I paraphrase. But for real, he does want them to fight each other. Why do I have a feeling Demi is bringing a shiv into the ring with her?
Okay, also, have you noticed that this is a common theme for all of that working group dates? Is Colton pitting the women against each other in some sort of oppose/ survival scenario in the hopes that he won’t ever have to grow some balls and eliminate someone ??
I may have spoken too soon about Demi. She’s getting her ass kicked in the fight, and it feels very off-brand for a person who has literally started sh* t with all the women in that house. Is it just me, or does she seem really defeated this episode? Is it because almost everyone over the age of 25 has been eliminated and there’s nothing else to fuel her hatred?
COLTON : I’ve insured enough.
Me too, Colton. Me too.
Moving on to the cocktail portion of the date. Sydney won’t stop complaining about how she hasn’t had a one-on-one yet and tbh I feel like she’s thiiiiis close to snapping. I only wish all of these girls knew that Colton knows just as little about the girls he takes on one-on-one dates as he does about the ones on group dates. Except maybe how their ass feels in his hand.
Katie is also close to an emotional breakdown and she has good reason to be, because I genuinely do not know who this girl is. Has she spoken any terms this entire season ?? Colton pulls her aside during the cocktail party and I can’t recall a single dialogue the two of them have had together.
She’s like “I know I’m pretty monotone but I do care about you.” She says all of this without appearing up from her feet. Why is she acting so weird ?? She’s not even making direct eye contact with him! She reminds me of that brother from Wedding Crashers , the one with the paintings and the emo haircut?
Katie tells Colton that she’s afraid he’s going to cut her because their relationship isn’t as far along as some of the other girls, and Colton does a really sh* tty thing here and tells her he doesn’t want that to happen. He’s pretty much assuring her that he’s into her when we all know she’s going to be cut first at the rose rite this week.
Demi pulls Colton aside next. She says that the reason she wasn’t good at opposing earlier is because she’s very “soft and sensitive”, and she says that with a straight face. Lol. This is the same girl who would suggest any woman old enough to legally rent a vehicle should invest in Life Alert.
Demi wants Colton to call her mommy with her, and it’s a smart move. Last hour she played the mommy issues card she got the group date rose. I’m honestly impressed by her shamelessness.
OMG. You guys, is Sydney leaving too ?? She’s like, “some girls are taking this too lightly.” GOD FORBID DEMI CHUCKLE. But I do sort of get where she’s coming from. It’s clear Colton was only going to string her along for another episode or two.
Sydney goes home. Colton dedicates an impassioned speech to the rest of the girls about how he has so much more to give, and he’s surely referring to his virginity. I only gagged.
The Second One-On-One Date
Kirpa gets the second one-on-one date. Colton says he’s looking to get some answers today, but so am I. For instance, wtf happened to her chin last week ??
Their date might as well be a series of stock images under “rich people travel”–it’s that stereotypical. For all intents and purposes, their date is cute. They run scuba diving, have a nice dinner, yada yada. But I know this date is going downhill because Colton hasn’t aggressively rubbed himself against her even once.
You guys, this date is so boring and I detest that because I think I might actually be rooting for Kirpa? Not only does she seem like a real human being, but it also seems like she’s feeling him out instead of him feeling her out. I like that.
They get on the subject of Colton’s virginity because they’re both contractually obligated to bring it up at the least once an episode. Apparently Kirpa’s ex-fiance was also a virgin! Lol. I love how Colton had to clarify that his virginity isn’t for religious reasons and he will be losing it at some point during this reveal. He’s like “well I do totally intend on having sexuality with multiple women in fantasy suites so…”
Colton asks Kirpa if she could see herself getting engaged at the end of this, and she responds with a very confident “yeah.” I didn’t think forever would voice about as enthusiastic as me telling my roommate I’ll get sushi if she’s already ordering it, but okay. Eternal happiness to you both!
Demi decides she deserves her own one-on-one date, and I love that about her. What I don’t love is she came dressed to seduce Colton like I run dressed-up to buy “one thing” at Target. At least show some cleavage, honey!
She uses the flimsy excuse of checking in on him to see how he’s doing after Sydney’s departure. I think he’d believe you more if you weren’t wearing enough body glitter to light up downtown Miami.
WHAT. HE’S BREAKING UP WITH HER ??? I’m genuinely shocked that he’s dumping her like this. I entail, they both didn’t seem very attracted to one another, but still! I thought he at least wouldn’t be smiling as he dumped her!
She’s like, “I don’t know what to say to that” as she pretends to wipe away tears from a face that is bone dry. Save those fake tears for Mexico, honey. That’s where your talents has certainly be appreciated!
The Second Rose Ceremony
Tbh I’m surprised we’re even having a rose rite tonight. I think we all know Katie is going home, right? I can’t think of one other woman who might be on the chopping block other than Heather, but her Josie Grossy storyline should get her at least one more episode.
Chris shocks the women by saying there won’t be a rose rite this evening. Colton’s made up his intellect.
Katie gets sent home, to the shock of no one with working eyes and ears. Before Katie leaves she devotes Colton a cryptic message about daughters not being there for the right reasons, which is exactly what Sydney said before she left.
COLTON: But I believed Sydney “re talking” Demi !!
Newsflash, Colton! Demi wasn’t the only hot blonde who graduated from college six months ago and decided to forgo the real world for a few months and try her hand at becoming a reality Tv star. Child, please.
And on that note, I’m out betches! I’m literally counting down the minutes until the infamous fence jumping scene, so let’s hope it’s next week!
Images: Giphy( 5 ); bachelorabc, kirpasudick, bachelorinsider/ Instagram
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